I have been in a debate for two weeks about what to write in my first post. I have wasted half of my time trying to understand why a starting topic is so difficult to come up with. Then it hit me: This feels a lot like a first date.
Naturally, my mind goes back to Halloween 2005. Ten years ago?! This tired old brain will do its best to recall the details.
After five weeks of trying to impress each other via texts, 4 hour phone conversations, and our ONE Facebook picture that you couldn’t even enlarge (most of you don’t remember the dinosaur days of “The Facebook”), Cy said, “Ok, let’s meet up.” Palms started sweating and cheeks turned red immediately. Oh. My. Gosh.
So, as any decent friends and family would do, they all agreed it was a great idea for me to meet up with him by myself in the middle of nowhere Tennessee on Halloween. I mean, come on, I met him at church camp 7 years ago; he couldn’t be some psycho, right? Nevermind the fact that I didn’t even talk to him once at camp because I was a shy, awkward, pigtail-wearing teenager who would’ve never spoken to the popular jock who stuffed brownies in his face in the cafeteria for attention. What’s the worst that could happen? He might stuff brownies in my face and tell me to go back to my dorm room.
Naturally, I spent the hours leading up to our date preparing myself to meet this hunk. Makeup on. Hair did. Clothes changed 50 times. What if he is disappointed that I’m not a size 2? What if he doesn’t like a girl who prefers to wear jeans every day? He’s a football player; wouldn’t he want the cheerleader type? Maybe I should tell him I cheered in high school. I won’t mention the fact that it was only for one year and I was terrible. What will he think when he finds out I’d rather watch a movie in my PJs on Saturday night than go out? The questions and conversations flooded my brain. They didn’t stop me from going because I couldn’t pass up a chance to possibly meet my husband. Maybe he really is as good in person as he is on the computer. So my sweet little naïve self headed 2 hours west to find out.
Time out: Anyone watch The Bachelor? I know, I know…a complete waste of time that I can never get back. I can’t help it. Seriously though, can you imagine 35 first dates in the same night?! Talk about a ridiculous amount of fake smiles and desperate attempts to impress. I’m glad I’m the only one trying to impress this guy. Then again, maybe some of those girls would provide comic relief in moments of awkward silence.
Anyway, our first date, and really the first few after that, was awkward. I think he would agree that we both felt a connection and knew it was headed in the right direction, but it was hard to completely let our guards down and show our real selves for fear of disappointment or rejection.
What if there is a crazy ex girlfriend who’s fixin to track me down and beat me up? What if he has a criminal background? You can’t trust just anybody these days. What if I find out he’s lying about being a virgin? WHOA. Awkward moment #1 for this blog. Yes, friends, we both waited til we were married…one big reason I pursued a relationship with this guy. How many cute college football players choose to be virgins? Either he’s lying, weird, or the man of my dreams.
Much like the first date, this first post is about me letting my guard down. I’m going to try to quickly speed through the first date awkwardness. You will see some funny posts that are meant to attract you and some things that might give you a false impression of me. But my intentions are not to impress or attract your praise. My intention is to show you the real me that is underneath the layers of insecurity and a constant desire for acceptance and approval. I’ve spent time preparing my heart for this. I’ve tried to make myself (via the website) look interesting and tried to attract you with a Facebook preview last week.
Now here’s the truth. I’m afraid of letting you down. As much as I want you to know the real me, I’m nervous that once you see past your preconceived notions, you’ll find a picture of someone you don’t know, or worse, don’t like. Much like the first date, it would be totally weird and inappropriate for me to spill my whole life story and overwhelm you with all of my baggage and feelings about life. I would probably scare you off. Instead you will get piece by piece, and hopefully along the way will be able to connect with something I share.
I’m making myself vulnerable because I feel like God is calling me to do so at this time in my life. I’m stepping out in faith and seeing where He takes it. As cliche as that may sound, my faith is very real. I want to SAY it and LIVE it. Yes, it is a risk. But where do you get in life if you don’t take risks?
Personally, I would still be the insecure, quiet girl hiding behind my computer in the dorm room waiting for life to happen.