Searching for the Letter “A”


I found my sister wandering around her house this morning, long after we had said our goodbyes. After two action-packed days together, I was gathering all of our scattered belongings to head home and she was leaving to do some ministry work. When I saw her looking around on the floor and seeming aggravated, I asked what she had lost.

“I can’t find anything that starts with the letter ‘A’.”

What in the…?

“Isaac has Show and Tell at preschool and needs something that starts with ‘A’.”

How hard could this be?

After about eight minutes of searching for something better than the boring plastic apple from the toy kitchen set, I found a donkey and suggested she call it by its other name. I at least got a good laugh, but for some reason she decided it wasn’t appropriate for the three year old class.

If it would have been “B” day, they would have been set. Bottles, blankets, Bingo, balls, bowls, bouncy seat, blocks, bears, burp cloths, bumbo… the list goes on.

But the fact remained that it was “A” day. And that meant boring plastic apple day.

If I had to pick an “A” word that describes myself right now, it would be “aweary”. Coming up with an accurate “A” word was about as easy as finding something that started with the letter “A” in my sister’s house. So, I did what any of you would also do if your brain was depleted of energy; I used my resources (aka Google). I searched for synonyms related to “exhausted”, “depleted” and “empty”. It turns out that “aweary” (which I’ve never used) is a real word meaning “tired” and “fatigued”. According to Merriam Webster, its popularity ranks in the bottom 20% of words.

Perfect description. I would rank myself in the bottom 20% on this eventful Friday night. Trust me, you don’t want to hang out with me. Actually, if you are feeling “aweary” and unable to lift your hand one more time to wipe off nearly dried ketchup or clean up the pee that missed the toilet or wash the shoes that got soaked in bubble juice, you might enjoy sitting beside me on the couch in our yoga pants and having zero discussion while drinking a glass of wine. Wait, hold the wine…I’m breastfeeding. So I sit here in a trance wondering when the baby is going to go down for the “night”.

It’s a beautiful thing, this parenting thing. (“Thing” is all I can come up with right now, ok?) You can sense my sarcasm, but if you’ve read any of my other posts, I hope you know how much I really do love it. But often the things that bring us the most joy are the things that take the most of our energy, time, love and commitment. And tonight, I’ve given it all. There’s nothing left to give.

But as it always goes, morning comes with a renewed sense of strength, love, and a “I got this” supermom attitude. Tonight’s “aweary” self is tempted to think it won’t happen, but I know the morning won’t fail me. It will deliver more patience, especially if I don’t get out of bed and step into a surprise puddle of pee (I suppose every pee puddle is a surprise.).

It’s a beautiful thing, really.

And what’s more beautiful is knowing that some of you get it, even if you aren’t living it right now. And maybe you don’t get it because of kids; maybe you get it because you’ve given 150% of yourself to something else today like a job, a ministry, a football team, taking care of a family member, or something else. You get it. And you also deserve what the morning will bring.

I hope to find something with more significance to share with you soon.

Until then, sleep good friends.

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  1. “But often the things that bring us the most joy are the things that take the most of our energy, time, love and commitment.” Thank you for sharing that sentience! I needed that reminder and it is inspirational. If you ever want a laugh Google aardvark in sweaters…. If you would like to hear the complete story on that one I’d be glad to share! Lol

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